@jwoodham: DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
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@Sickayduh: Good cop: We got you red-handed! Weatherman cop: Well there's a 70% chance of guilt but I'd go ahead and make weekend plans
@AngelaEhh: Bartender: What can I get you? Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll? Bartender: Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me? Bartender: Me: Beer.
@Burger_Time_: Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
@KenJennings: Once my son was shooting nerfguns @ the clock &when I asked why said "bc time killed the dinosaurs." My kids are never leaving home are they