DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
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Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
This made me chuckle.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
If only.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Beware of the dog..
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.