@jwoodham: DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
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@TheToddWilliams: Man: You've been very loyal but it's best we part ways Dog: I don't understand. What's the problem? Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
@Contwixt: My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age. So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl. Tik Tok.
@dubstep4dads: Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral Friend: what? that's not a giraffe Me: sorry I'm on drugs at your grandmas funeral
@jsteele3966: So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.