DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
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[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.