men are simple creatures
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My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
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If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”