Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
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So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Wait a minute
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
The Others (2001)
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Effort made
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.