Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
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Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
🙋♀️
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂