Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
You Might Also Like
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
work smarter, not harder
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me: