Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
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If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed