Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
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5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.