Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
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What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye