Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
You Might Also Like
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
No laws when master is gone
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom