@AIanHangover: *Does something bad* Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

@LOsepyan: Before Wallmart existed you had to buy a ticket to see the circus.

@AbrasiveGhost: *deals poker hand* peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly] everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

@robfee: I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

@jordangerous: Facebook: My little man is the best thing that's ever happened to me! Twitter: Free baby. DM for details.