Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
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I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what