@panmidwest: GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy [meeting her parents] ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

@BBQJones28: Tomorrow I'm gonna chase someone...like really run after them..screaming and everything.

@djdarrellripley: Me: I need to know what your office drug policy is. Him: No drugs. Me: Got it... Do you consider the parking lot to be part of the office?

@markleggett: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. These are the five stages of learning that Ben Affleck is the new Batman.

@muse_me_again: Just once when someone says, "Is anyone there?" in a scary movie, I want the villain to be like. "What up. I'm over here. You got me."