Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
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Big Sex has us all fooled
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
What do you hear?
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
next level snooze
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
inventing words: clothing
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious