I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
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Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.