I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
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Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.