DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
You Might Also Like
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.