Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
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[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this