Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
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You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
God has left this place
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan