Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
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why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.