Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
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7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth