Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
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A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.