Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
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Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
This is the one
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
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Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them