Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
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I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.