Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
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sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?