Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
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Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!