Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
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sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*