Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
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I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Death certificates are our last participation award.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME