Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
You Might Also Like
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail