Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
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[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Woke up against my better judgment again
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.