Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
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[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.