I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
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If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)