Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
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*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
We found love in a hopeless place.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers