Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
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Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*