Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
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ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something