Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
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Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Bike for sale
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping