Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
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[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
When you’re here for the treats.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.