[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
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Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.