me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
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going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Who knew!
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”