Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
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All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.