Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
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My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross