Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
You Might Also Like
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
My boss called in sick of me
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
new year update: losing everything but weight
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?