Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
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I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
taking June’s advice to heart
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work