Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
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Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
A short story about romance.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.