@sweetandweak: Daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she's either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
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@jwoodham: DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C'mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
@davidschneider: I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
@JermHimselfish: I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like "Pick up milk" or "Pay gas bill" or "Stop wasting your life away"
@lovemydogduck: Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I've already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.