I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
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Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
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Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
This a good idea
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.