@sweetandweak: Daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she's either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
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@shivillex: North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
@hazelmotes1: When my kids come to me with problems I just tell them to watch Full House until they find an episode dealing with their issue.
@NurseMurderer: Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely. Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
@steveolivas: I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.