@sweetandweak: Daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she's either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@TheMichaelRock: *notices person behind me won't let people merge* *slows down and lets 12 people merge in front of me*
@themorris23: On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
@XplodingUnicorn: I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I've just been poisoned
@AllyBallyBeal: Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.