The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
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My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into