Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
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I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.