Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
You Might Also Like
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?