DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
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*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
This took me a second..
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
when revenge coincides with naptime
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic