Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
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My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.