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@SnizzleFrizzle: Daughter: Mom, there's a man outside.
Me: Get the net!
@_NTFG_: COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
ME: "So it wouldn't be windy when we talked."
@KentWGraham: After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
@Tups13: Would the Government cope in a zombie apocalypse? Vacant, horrible, disoriented people stumbling around without purpose. Plus the zombies.
@shkeeber: I'm a narsciic- narcssiss- narcasassi- narcysis-narcis-
I'm better than you.
@Ndeshi_M: Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!