Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
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Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.